Monday, April 2, 2012

For my far-away loves

Dearest brother, dearest sister,

I needed to pour out again just how much I love you. That week that I met you, my heart was melted. It would be impossible for me to love anyone more than I love the two of you. You've been constantly on my heart and mind ever since that moment when I watched your little faces get further and further away in the orphanage van window. Today I patching up the long handed-down snowsuits before they are put away for the summer. As I did, I was thinking of you...wondering if you'll be wearing them this winter. I help little Anna clean her closet, and the things that are too small are no longer just given away - now they're saved for you, Juliana. Thomas, every time I see Daddy wrestling with the boys, I imagine that you're here with them. We're not allowed to tell you that we're adopting you, but Daddy will be there to meet you in just a few days. He's bringing lots of pictures of our August trip. You'll never know how many prayers went into those pictures, just praying that you'll remember me, that you'll understand how much I love you. Thomas, I cry for you nearly every day. I remember sitting with you, and while the world around us was loud, you snuggled close and whispered a query of  "Mama?" warm and breathy in my ear. You didn't see the tears rolling down my face, and you didn't hear the sound of my heart breaking, but the tears fell and my heart broke anyway. I couldn't promise you that my parents would adopt you - they weren't even sure yet. I couldn't just take you home with me. But at that moment, I knew that whether my parents adopted you or not , I'd be coming back for you. At that moment, I determined that you would not be loved alone in an orphanage. I knew that I would fight the Russian government for years if that's what it took. Of course I couldn't say all that....I just whispered "Da, da (yes, yes)" in your precious ear as I stroked your curls. Sweetheart, no matter what it takes, I'm coming for you. And though I won't be your mama, I will always be a part of your life. I promise. Juliana,  you were so energetic and independent I was instantly amazed. Your vivacious personality was a rare enough quality for anyone, but especially you, a girl who has been hurt by the world. You are so precious to me. On my trip, when the children arrived, one little girl saw her Mama-to-be and instantly exclaimed "Mine!" Well, you won't know Daddy at first, but when he shows you our pictures, I hope you'll understand that we really do care for you! And someday, when God says the time is right, we will be back for will be ours and we'll be yours. I guess this isn't the most organized letter I've written, but there is so much on my heart for the two of you that I needed to write it down somewhere. My darlings, I am praying for you even now, and I cannot wait for Daddy to bring me pictures and stories of you! I long for the day when I will see you again! I love you!
With all my heart,

1 comment:

  1. Oh Erica.... You've been in my daily prayers, and will continue to be. [{hug}] I love you so much and pray your siblings will come home soon!